Monday 30 January 2017

25 Reasons I'm Annoyed at Ed Sheeran's 'Shape Of You' Video

Going through this video frame by frame there are actually a lot of really nice shots, my favourite being this one that I missed on my first two viewings. No qualms with the direction; the vast majority lie with the storyline.

1) The first five seconds inadvertently shows us everything we need to know about the narrative for this video. Essentially that means you aren't actually required to watch the following four minutes and 18 seconds with the added bonus of not having to listen to the song.

2) The song itself. I guess I could mute it... but why pacify my anger now? We're just getting started!

3) Is this video an excuse for Ed Sheeran to parade his terrible tattoos around? I actually wasn't sure how many of them were real but it would seem they all are... [Source]

4) Sheeran enters the gym showing complete disregard for all of the apparatus he passes. He should get a warning for that behaviour.

5) Things get perplexing when he opens an already in use locker. Is he new to this gym? If it's his first time here I'll forgive him for not knowing. After all, how was he to know the locker was in use as there was no sign of this whatsoever from the outside. It must be a very safe gym, in that case, as the locker's current user didn't feel the need to lock (the clue is in the name) the locker. Another option is that that is actually the locker Sheeran usually occupies and somebody has very rudely used it whilst he wasn't there and lulled him into a false sense of security by giving no clues towards its occupancy from the outside. Either way, I'm annoyed.

6) Enter Jennie Pegouskie. You're telling me that someone as stunning as her sets eyes on Ed Sheeran for two seconds and reckons she fancies him? Nah, I'm not having that.

7) Sheeran's trainer is the absolute worst. He tapes up his hands, holds the punch bag for him for one exercise and then completely disappears. I hope Sheeran's not paying him.

8) There's a short space of time where Sheeran is punching to the beat of the song, which was cool, but it doesn't last... and that was not cool.

9) Sheeran stops his training to gawp at a bent over Jennie Pegouskie. Charming.

10) Pegouskie hits Sheeran in the face with her locker door. Amazing! Or it would be if she didn't immediately follow it up with an apology. Grab your stuff and run, love, it's for the best.

11) Apparently hitting someone in the face with a locker door scores you a date in this universe. If I ever had any intention of stepping foot in any kind of gym I'd give it a go, alas, I do not desire to exercise ever, let alone in the company of others.

12) I'm honestly just upset that I have never been served such a whopping great portion of chicken and chips, let alone the size of that salad. Not to mention the crinkle cut chips, oh my God. Where is this eatery? I demand a reservation immediately.

13) Where the hell did this taxi come from? Where are we? Who owns this car? Was this make and model a specific request? We didn't even see them order a taxi so it must have just been sat there waiting for passengers. A bit too convenient if you ask me.

14) Whilst in the taxi, the pair are not wearing seatbelts which is extremely unsafe and to be quite honest, they should know better.

15) Did Sheeran's original trainer pack it in as soon as he saw Pegouskie? He knew there was simply no hope for him and just handed the job over.

16) The bit where it looks like they are about to dance but instead do not dance is my very least favourite bit in this entire video and it just might haunt me until the day I die. For God's sake. (Sidenote: Look how pasty Sheeran's legs are! I know it's not really his fault, but sometimes I just forget just how white white people really are.)

17) Pegouskie leaves without saying goodbye which is rude, even if the person I'm annoyed she didn't say goodbye to is Ed Sheeran.

18) But she's left him a gum shield. At least it can be used as a promotional tool for his upcoming album. *eye-roll*

19) Why is Sheeran showing those two guys the picture that she left him? How would they know what's going on? Who are they?

20) Where is she even going? Why is this question not answered? She's only leaving to drive the plot of the video forward. You ain't fooling me.

21) Sheeran slots in his "Division" gum shield. Has no one told him that self promotion is lame? It's not like he even really needs to self-promote. It's not even like he's both Ed Sheeran the artist and Ed Sheeran the boxer in this video universe, so actually the gum shield is really null and void.

22) Who the bloody hell are all of these people and why have they turned up to watch this fight? How did they hear about it? Who is promoting this? We haven't even seen him discuss this fight with anybody. How did Sheeran even know what time to turn up etc?

23) The Twist. Spoiler: Ed Sheeran's actually turned up to a sumo wrestle so don's a sumo suit in order to compete. It's just really stupid for the duration from hereon in.

24) Can you actually believe so many of these people put money on Sheeran to win this fight?

25) Jenny Pegouskie deus ex machina.


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